Race Matters: One and a Half

First I wish to thank you all for your warm, supportive and encouraging remarks regarding my last post. I read many of them to Lauren and she was shyly pleased, and a bit perplexed about why such a fuss was made about something that happened "so long ago". :) For me, its always a bit of an exhale, as I can't help but wonder how certain posts or messages will be received, especially the ones of a more personal nature. I had held on to this memory for so long and it was intriguing to go back and read again that snapshot moment and reflect on it through not just my own musings but through the lens of all of you, as you contributed through your shared insights and commentary. Always I am left grateful for this collective community and what a compassionate and powerful community at that!

Why then is this post titled One and a Half?

I could have just as readily titled this: What I Wish I Had Also Said, as I feel a lingering sense of unfinished business with this one.

Shortly after publishing my last post, I received an anonymous comment from a fellow adoptive Mama who wanted to reach out, but didn't wish to have her comment actually published. With no email to respond to and no way to trace back to her, only her anguish was left for me to consider. In her comment she shared that her daughter, also adopted Internationally and roughly Lauren's same age, was not handling similar issues and questions in a way that she felt was appropriate. Or not in the same way that Lauren had done so that summer before last. And I............well, I was left saddened and a bit thunderstruck. In my words, she imagined that she had found a formula or litmus for how our precious babies should respond and feared that she had somehow failed to discover it.

In truth she broke my heart just a bit. That my words caused such consternation and grief for another, albeit unintentionally...........well, words don't fail me often, but this once they did.

So for this sweet Mama and anyone else who may have felt similarly, I want to share a bit more ~ what I should have maybe said before.

That each child is vastly different and will approach these types of situations in equally varied ways. That what might feel right for one child, may not be right for another.

That there is truly no right or wrong response and measuring one child's response to another or looking for a standard from which to measure future outcomes just doesn't exist.

That our daughter while only 6 (at that time) was just 4 months shy of turning 7 and that every. single. month. can make a difference.

That she has always been a bit of an old soul, touched with a flair and tendency for the romantic. Notions of hearts and a faraway land called Taiwan would have suited her fancy in much the same way a child being raised Catholic would have felt comfortable mentioning God to a son of another Catholic family. Lauren and A were not just classmates in public school but also in Religious Education. They shared a common foundation of faith.

That I believe she was able to share of her heart so freely, without measuring each word in fear of judgement because she was standing among children and only children; where friendship was mutual and innocence reigned. Had I rushed in or had A's Mom been present, I suspect her response may have been quite different. All of their responses.

And while I was careful to say that this was a snippet........and but a moment in time, I should have better emphasized that a 6 year olds perspective on Race Matters may not remain static and that same perspective may look different at age 8 or 10 or through adulthood. How could it not?

That while this remains the ONLY time I witnessed Lauren being asked to affirm her sibling status to Tyler due to their differing physical characteristics, that I have observed her handling of other intrusive adoptive queries by strangers ( or friends ) and that sometimes she stumbles or elects to deflect or simply stand behind me, her Mama, wishing for me to handle it. And I do.......though that's a work in progress also. :)

AND that I'm proud of her each and every time, no matter her response or lack thereof. Because sometimes not using your voice says just as much.

That we can do our best. That we can arm our children with techniques, tools, strategies and confidence for coping and that it still might not be enough. Or not all the time or for every scenario anyways. Over the years I have been stumped on more than one occasion when confronted with the absurd ,so imagine how it must be for our precious Littles.

That while our love for them might be color blind ( and so BIG!), sadly the world might seek to label them otherwise. The trick then is finding the right balance for each child and at any given time. And that will probably look very different for each family and child.

That I'm always learning and trying to do better too.

That her daughter is probably right where she needs to be in her own journey.

That all of these miracle children deserve celebration. No. Matter. What.

Oh yes, I would have also sent a great big virtual hug too ( cuz I'm known to do that!) and reminded her that she's not alone........never alone in this crazy and amazing thing called Parenthood!

Pssst.......yes, I still hope to add one more installment to my Race Matters series (the one I intended to originally post); but I promise, just one more!!! Scout's honor. :)