Conversation With an Eight Year Old

It was just about year ago, as we still awaited our son, that we girls found ourselves playing outside on a brilliant mild Autumn day. One of those days that gifts you with the lingering taste of fading summer ~ a small reprieve before the North wind becomes our companion once again.

On this day, like so many before, I found myself anchored in the middle of our culdesac while Lauren and her friends rode their bikes with glee around & around the sidewalk circle. We are fortunate to have a handful of girls on our block all within a few years of one another and on this day I was the "Mom on Duty".

M came a bit late to the activities that day and I remember Lauren dashing over to excitedly exclaim that her "new baby brother" would be home soon. ( oh, if only........) M, a quiet, sweet child of a successful immigrant family, reacted to this news with a look of confusion and a shake of her head. This went unnoticed by my child who had already been called back to the melee of bikes & squeals of joy from the curbside. I could see a flicker of indecision cross M's face and I wondered why she wasn't joining the others; I wondered why she was hesitating when so clearly she had come to play.

What I didn't know in just that moment ~ what I couldn't have known was that a conversation would follow that would test me in new ways..........a conversation that I never expected to have with an 8 year old (almost 9 ) that wasn't my own. But I'm getting ahead of myself here..............here is a bit of that year old conversation.

M :(taking a deep breath) Mrs. Lauren's Mom ( yes, she insists on calling me that! LOL ), how can a new baby be on the way? You aren't pregnant. (M has a much younger baby brother too and knows well what an expectant (pregnant) Mom looks like.)

Mrs. Lauren's Mom : (also taking a deep breath, smiling...) We are adopting a baby boy from Taiwan. He is 3 months old & we cannot wait to bring him home!

M: (furrowed brow) What's adoption? What does that mean?

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: ( surprised by this Q., but tucking that surprise away, while a quiet debate rages inside about whether this conversation would be best between M and her folks....) Hmmmmmmm..........well,

M: (insistent now ) I don't understand. Does that mean pregnancy?

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: Yes, in part, but not my pregnancy. All babies are born to a Mama (& Daddy) but sometimes they are not able to take care of a baby (any baby) and a new family is found to love, care for and cherish that baby.

M: Why can't they take care of it?(baby)

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: Oh, there can be lots of reasons. M, do you remember when your baby brother was born and how much attention he needed? ~ how many things he needed and how all of you helped to keep him happy and healthy. I know you were a big help to your Mom. I know you still are.

M: He cried all the time and needed TONS of stuff ~ diapers(really stinky), toys, bottles, blankets......at this point M goes off on a tangent about how now her brother gets into all her stuff now and how frustrating he is! :)

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: What if a new Mama didn't have any help or didn't have those things that the baby needs?

M: That would be hard. Why wouldn't she?

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: ( checking to see that L & her buddies are still riding their bikes and are safe.........wishing at this point M could have simply asked where babies come from? j/k ;)~ ) Not everyone is as fortunate as our families are. You have studied about poverty in school and I remember when your family helped deliver toys for children that didn't have any. Not everyone has someone who can help.

M: (face brightening ) Oh, why can't you just give her the money?

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: ( Did anyone else feel the earth tilt a moment ago??) Silently......struggling to define for this innocent child concepts of government quotas and government corruption...struggling internally to explain a lack of social supports around the world in some countries...struggling to define the prejudices that some birth mothers face ~ prejudices that will extend to their child if kept & raised.........struggling to explain disease and death........choices.......struggling to explain abandonment......relinquishment.

So I said, Oh honey, we have donated to those in need and always will. We do sponsor a child left back in Kazakhstan who still awaits their forever family........this baby's Mama has made a plan & a very hard and courageous decision that we will be the ones to raise this beautiful boy & forever nurture and cherish him ~ to give him all the things that she cannot. We feel so blessed & lucky and simply cannot wait to welcome him home.

M: Is there something wrong with him? There must be.

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: ( Am I still standing up? Did I stumble?) He's absolutely perfect.

M: (stubborn expression) Hey? Will he look like you?

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: He has big chubby cheeks, dimples, lots of beautiful dark hair and almond shaped eyes but his heart is just like mine & just like yours.

M: (staring hard, finally turning to the girls who are still riding like the wind)..........Here I come...........see ya later Mrs. Lauren's Mom!

Mrs. Lauren's Mom: silently watching on...........deep in thought........

And as I watched my precious girl play on with her friends, I knew (really knew then) that these type of questions & assumptions might always follow her (and Tyler) throughout their lives. It may sometimes go unspoken, it may unfold in many different ways, but it would someday surface, testing their self-esteem, their self-worth and their view of the world & our place in it.

I knew too that M and maybe her family had little experience or exposure to adoptive families and that all of her questions sprang only from a child's' sweet innocence and simple curiosity.

Now clearly this conversation and my responses to it called for a simplified approach.( I had no time to prepare for it.) And just as I understand that the unyielding love we feel for our children is simple......... I understand just as readily that the complexities of adoption are not. A gentle hand was called for on this day.........

In the days following that conversation I thought about it a great deal. From time to time it still surfaces and in many ways I'm thankful for it. Until that day, those types of questions and assumptions, stemming from a child as these did, were only something in theory or something discussed in a book I had read. It opened my eyes a bit wider and pushed me to step up my efforts with Lauren on how our family was going to change and what sorts of comments or speculation we might be the recipients of or her individually. Not to say that I was previously unprepared or complacent, but certainly this gave me the push I needed in the right direction ~ to be more proactive.

And please don't think for one minute that I'm going to conclude my week long celebration on a somewhat sad note..................... no way! :)

2 months after arriving home with Tyler we had our first truly Springlike day and I bumped into M again while the 3 of us (Lauren, Tyler and I ) were taking a walk. She clearly had already spotted us and had anticipated our passing by her house. She dashed out to give Lauren a big hug, listened with rapt delight as Lauren proudly introduced her new brother and then gave Lauren a beautiful picture she had drawn as a welcome home baby gift. It was a picture of the 5 of us (Lexi dog too ya know!) all looking like ourselves ( in other words completely different from one another) but each us with a GIANT red heart, all the same size and matching GIANT smiles. M said this & it will forever be with me.......................you guys may all look different and come from different places, but where it counts, you are all the same. And Mrs. Lauren's Mom? Yeah, she felt that earth tilt again ( just a bit) and cried just a few happy tears later that night when she thought once again about that conversation and the grand capacity for love & understanding that exists in us all. How beautiful it is!

So my friends, as this week concludes please always be good to yourselves & to those around you.

When one of us stumbles or loses their way, reach out with understanding and support ~ with compassion.

Stand tall against a media that assaults us with atrocities like "The Orphan" (movie ) and shows like "Who's Your Daddy?" Against those who tell us we don't count. Use your words, wisdom or use your pocket book to bring about change. That change can begin with one conversation or one instance of really listening to another viewpoint.

Offer the hand of kinship to an adult adoptee that might be hurting. Remember that when one of our babies/children is hurting, it affects us all.

LOVE the best way you can each & every day and don't ever forget that you are not alone ~ not by a long shot!

Remember M's words.............where it counts, we are all the same.