Sweet Dreams Baby Girl

First I wish to preface this post with a huge thanks of gratitude for the private emails spilling in regarding my recent posts. When I disabled the comments I knew I would miss your much valued voices mingled in with my own, but I didn't realize that it might also impact the direction of my thoughts this week. Some of you have asked more specifically about Lauren's life story and it is my privilege to share a modified generation(only certain portions of it to protect her privacy) of it with you all. I say generation because certainly this is not the same story that began in the Spring of 2003, just as we are not the same family. Parts of her story have become more fluid in response to her contributions and involvement within it, while other aspects remain as they were so many years ago. Its far from perfect and I've never really written it in its entire form before. How different it is to speak it, rather than see parts of it in print!

It may also seem remiss that I seemingly am leaving our littlest treasure out in much of this discussion and something that has thrilled me has been Lauren's involvement in Tyler's life story. Right away she was enchanted with the notion of participating in the details of his early history and the richness she has added to it cannot be measured. It was an unexpected gift to watch her transition from the subject of a story to the actual story weaver. Tyler's story is still unfolding and we are still finding our footing...............therefore today I share a portion of Lauren's story.........or rather a portion of the rich history that has helped shape the multi-faceted, incredible girl reflected today.

Italicized portions below are my own thoughts( or details), not yet shared or are in response to her questions.

In a faraway land of great beauty & gracious people, as dawn broke on a crisp Autumn day ~ a beautiful baby girl, of brown eyes and hair, was born to a strong young woman. This young woman, your birth mother, could not care for a baby (any baby) as she was alone in the world and unable to provide what she most desired for this precious innocent life: a family ~ a home ~ a loving life. A life free of prejudices, one of educational opportunities….. of stability. We know from the caregiver who glimpsed her that she was tall, with luxurious sable hued hair & very beautiful. She likely has the same whiskey colored eyes as you & I imagine her laugh to be just as yours is ~ bells ringing on a clear day. I think I catch glimpses of her in your profile and the way you crinkle your nose when you giggle or concentrate deeply on something. I see her in your determined spirit & stubborn streak! And yes, baby girl, I see bits of myself in you too!

She (your birth mother ) was born to a Ukrainian family, a very small minority in Kazakhstan. We believe your birth father may have been all or part Kazakh. She made a plan for you to be placed into a Babyhouse, to be cared for and nurtured, until a forever family could be found for you………until you found us ~ and us you.......... and made us family. It could not have been easy for her(anguish!) & yet her courage & decision to allow you to be placed out of country, made our family possible. How grateful we are!

Three days after your birth you were carried 10 miles on foot from the hospital to a Babyhouse in the arms of a special caregiver who considered herself your honorary Godmother. Yes baby, this was almost unheard of and she watched over you with great love and dedication right up until the day we walked out of that very Babyhouse a new family of 3. She was determined you be placed with a family & she checked us out with great care. She cried joyous tears that you were going home and whispered sweet blessings in your ear. She cried tears of loss too…..you were her favorite and we are forever grateful for the special care she gave you. She asked only that we send photos of you back to them from time time.....we pray they have reached her throughout the years.

For over 6 months you lived on the 3rd floor of the K********* Babyhouse in a small room with up to 6 other baby girls in your room. Early on you would have grown used to hearing their comforting baby coos and sweet sounds. Your crib was against a far wall (the warmest spot in the room) and you favored laying on your right side so that you could see into the crib next to yours.That baby’s(the one nearest to you) shy smile broke my heart the day we were allowed to see your crib & room. You were not the oldest baby in the room, but you were twice the size of some of the others.(even babies older than you) The bottles you were fed with were old fashioned( & glass) and initially they would have been propped up with a rolled towel; later you held your own bottles at feeding time ( my god, you had to and had to learn early to drink quickly or possibly go without) and you delighted at being touched and held during changing & bath times.

You were always dressed in many layers, with no diaper. On Fridays the caregivers played Kazakh or Russian music in the hallway outside your room and likely that was the beginnings of your love of music. On either side of your shared room there were rooms filled with toddlers and older babies. When your door was open you would have heard the babbling of the other children and the quiet murmurs of the workers. The smells of cooking ( often cabbage & Kasha) filled the air, though you were still only taking bottles. There were no crib toys or murals in your room. The only toy (to be shared by all the babies in your room) was broken. Yes love, one of our gifts to your First home was a toy for all 25 babies on your wing & toddler toys for sharing. I wish it could have been more and in the years since we first went, other families have left gifts and made donations that have improved the conditions for the children left behind. Our monetary donation was used to help purchase the only clothes dryer for the entire orphanage.

The winter you turned 4 months the Babyhouse lost their heat for 3 weeks and sickness spread among the staff and children. All the children on your floor were moved the south facing room at the very end of the wing as it was the warmest & sunniest. This was the same room that we spent our first two weeks together for our daily visits. It looked out over the magnificent Tien Shien mountains and herds of cattle grazed in the distance. We could see no other structures, homes or signs of life for miles around.

During this scary time, you, by the grace of God, remained healthy and often pulled or tugged off the face masks worn by the staff (to contain the spread of the sickness). It was important to you, even then, to see their faces & expressions and hear their familiar voices. That must have been a frightening time for you and reminds your Daddy and I of your strength and resiliency…..you were a fighter & that spirit has taken you far.

Each month a male doctor came to check on all the children and babies. He would have been the only male you would have seen and you were naturally intrigued by him. We are told you often tried to reach for his mouth (whiskers!) and always made him laugh with your antics! He spoke to you in Russian while most of your daily caregivers spoke to you in Kazakh. or a mix of both languages.

The tiny wonder you were, grew under the watchful eye of the Babyhouse staff into a chubby cheeked beauty, destined for another home................one in America. At 6 1/2 months(as our visits began) you were already trying to sit up (despite spending much of your day prone in your crib ) and when no one was looking, your new Daddy and I spread blankets on the floor and allowed you to roll with abandon on the floor. This delighted you time & again and reflected your determination and joy of discovery & movement. You were so fascinated with the toys we brought along and during our 2 weeks of visits you favored the crinkly books, finger puppets and being held to the window to peek outdoors to watch the older children play games on the grounds. No my sweet, there was no playground or equipment for the children to play on............they played with one another or simply ran with abandon, so happy to be outside following a long, snowbound winter. Some of them paused to wave at you, (and at us ) this sweet precious baby and you watched them with such intensity! Early on we noticed your empathy & keen curiousity towards others ~ even then we could see you would often be the child in the group who would be looking out for others. Your heart is so big!

The day we left with you, the only home you had ever known, the caregivers/staff gathered to hold you one last time. We witnessed the blessings and wishes they whispered in your ear and they relished touching your fresh new clothing. You did not like your new clothes at all and struggled mightily to yank your shoes off! Such determination even then! You had known love ~ had been loved and cared for as well as feasible, despite very limited resources and as we walked from the building we understood the incredible gift bestowed to us. You didn't cry during your first car trip at barely 7 months and your loving nature allowed you to open your heart to us completely and to one day trust us as your parents. Oh the joy you have brought us each & every day litle one!

You were growing to love us................while our love for you had been growing all along...........