A Life in Words

Early on in our first adoption journey, all those many years ago, we received two priceless pearls of unsolicited advice and how thankful I am for them!

In essence we were encouraged to begin telling our daughter's life story early on and often and to consider our time in Kazakhstan, in part, as one of fact finding, uncovering as many threads of her history & past as we were able to.

If you have previously read my depiction of our journey & time in Kazakhstan you better understand the challenging task that laid before us in uncovering the scant details of our daughter's earliest moments. Our champion came in a most unexpected place, as one of the caregivers favored our precious baby and considered herself an honorary Godmother ~ a very unique status & gift afforded our daughter in this remote land. Through this angel in disguise we were afforded a stable first hand account of Lauren's most earliest days and a priceless description of her birth mother, whom this caregiver had glimpsed in the days following Lauren's birth. This remains our only tangible link to her birth mother, that didn't exist on paper or within our imaginations and we hold it close, fully aware of this blessing.

It is these threads, the stories told by our daughter's caregivers, the information acquired by our adoption agency, our referral & our own experiences/impressions while in Kazakhstan that have been woven together to create Lauren's life story ~ (her early) life in words.

Weeks after returning home with our beautiful infant daughter I found myself in her nursery, rocking (soothing) away her anxieties late into the night, when I began first sharing her story in my own way. Initially I felt just this side of crazy, openly talking about adoption, the details of her birth & earliest moments with this precious innocent gazing into my eyes and being lulled more by the cadence of my voice, rather than the content of the story. There were moments I considered putting it aside, wishing to justify it away with thoughts of "she's too young" or "certainly there is time later". I am so thankful that I pushed on and heeded that early advice.........for along the way and through many surprises, a purpose was found & a tradition born.

.........along the way I grew up a bit and began ambling along the path to the true Mama's heart that I wear today. I was becoming not just a Mama..........but a mother to this baby, whose past would always be only a story to me, whose earliest moments could never include me........I was becoming a Mama to not only the 7 month old we had brought home(whom I was delighting in discovering!) but to ALL of her. I was beginning to understand the legacy of another Mother, one who first gazed into the eyes of our daughter and held so many dreams and hopes for her............along the way I embraced the idea that truly this first Mother would always walk beside me, if only in spirit, as I guided this child through life's lessons.......along the way I gained strength in that understanding.

.........along the way, I stumbled over what language I wished to use, trying new words as if they were different flavors, discarding the ones that just didn't feel right & befriending those that did. ............along the way I conquered much of the fear I had in the telling of the story...........along the way I allowed myself to grieve for those lost months and the MANY details of our daughter's history that were forever lost to us ~ forever lost to her.................along the way, there were difficult moments ~ moments that forced me to look hard within myself and acknowledge hard truths...............along the way there were times I could barely choke out the word adoption, not because of shame, doubt(NEVER!) or really anything related to me at all, but because I intuited that one day it might be a burden for our daughter to carry ~ a child more precious to me than my own life, whom above all I wanted to protect from pain, loss & heartache...........along the way, I wondered if one day this word would cause confusion or sadness for her ~ I knew it set us apart from many other Mamas and their babies............along the way I fell in love with the spirit of that difference and our unique origins.

............along the way I prayed that this story in words, shared on occasion, would help to insulate her from some of that pain or misunderstanding...........along the way I fervently hoped our story would shield us from many of the assumptions surrounding adoption or at least the most hurtful of them.............along the way much joy of the telling was discovered and many tears and laughter shared..........along the way I found peace.

..........along the way many surprises awaited us as the story changed to reflect her better understanding of adoption and her own life story........along the way, the patina of our tale has become richer with her contributions, questions and reflections.........along the way we have relished the supporting materials of her actual life book, videos/photos of our journey and more, but our nighttime storytelling remains our most cherished.

Along the way, I found my voice.............I found it for myself and more importantly............ I found it for her.